Day 16: communication is major 🔑

We've all heard the saying "communication is life's most important skill." (Just kidding, I made that up thirty seconds ago. But it's true and should be a common household expression.)

When I was in middle school, my soccer coach told us - his team of young, awkward, impressionable tweenage girls - that "practice makes perfect" (which actually is a real idiom) was a lie. My first thought upon his harsh knowledge drop was: wait, so all my making out with the window in preparation for my first kiss has been for naught?!!?! But then he clarified - "good practice makes perfect." Phew, I thought, still on track to crush that first liplock.

But he had a point. If you practice something incorrectly, you may still become perfect - but at doing it the wrong way. It's the same with communication - there are qualifiers: honest, open, effective communication is life's most important skill.

I really do believe that. At work, in romantic relationships, with friends... open, honest communication is a major key to maintaining strong, healthy relationships. And it makes life so, so much easier.

Last week, I went on a trail run with one of my best friends. It was absolutely beautiful out and the park was gorgeous. After debating whether or not the parking fee was mandatory (it was) and if this trailhead was the right starting point (it wasn't), we set off. At the most excruciatingly fast gait I've ever experienced. As a new runner, I feared if I said something it would show my inadequacy and amateurity (is that a word? Should be. Wait- just looked it up, it's a porn site. Never mind.)

So I kept my mouth shut and my pace fast, literally praying silently God, help me make it. Don't let me collapse. Or maybe do - put a large root in my path so I slightly sprain my ankle and can bow out with dignity.

The run finally ended and I looked at my friend, panting and sweating (me, not her). "Wow - you are really, really fast."

"What?!" she said, "I was only running that fast to keep up with you - that was insane!"

There you have it: a perfect example of a time when open, honest communication would have been key. All one of us has to do was say, "This pace is too fast for me. Can we slow down?" Problem solved. Lungs saved. Calves salvaged.

But we're too polite. We don't communicate honestly because we're scared we'll hurt the other person's feelings. That we'll upset them somehow by daring to express a real opinion. But you know what? I guarantee they're wishing they could be honest, too. If you set that tone, they'll follow. And everyone will be happier.

Last summer my grandfather had a stroke, and family members from far and wide came to be by his side. I remember my mom saying to the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandkids, siblings, nieces, nephews, and everybody else in the hospital: "Can we all agree to be honest with each other while we go through this tough time? If you want to leave and get some rest, just say it. If you want someone else to take a shift talking to the nurses, just speak up. If we're suggest sandwiches for lunch but you need a burger and shake to stay sane, just tell me."

At first, I was horrified by her blunt call for candor. Mom!, I thought, We haven't seen these distant relatives in years! Shouldn't we spend a little longer cautiously walking on eggshells, smiling politely and pretending like we're all deferential?! But she was 100% right. It was an extremely difficult time for all of us - the only thing that would make it easier was honest communcation.

I've remembered my mom's words ever since and try to more often apply this open communication approach in my life. And it's so liberating.

"Caroline, do you mind driving to dinner?"

Old me: I'd rather gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon, but "SURE!"

New me: I'd rather gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon, so "I've been driving all day, would someone else mind taking a turn?"

And you know what, the world kept spinning.

Once you realize the power and effectiveness of open, honest communication, you don't just practice doling it out, you also appreciate being on the receiving end.

When my family and I all reunited in the mountains over Memorial Day Weekend, I presented my dad and brother with a box of fresh, homemade peanut butter cookies I'd made just for them. "I know you both love these cookies, so I whipped some up for you to enjoy this weekend!"

"Thanks so much, Carrie!" My dad said. "But, you know what, I don't actually like peanut butter cookies all that much. But I know your brother does! And I love these other treats you brought. Thank you so much!"

Old me: Is he kidding me right now? Just lie, say thank you, force one down or spit it out when I'm not looking.

New me: Thank goodness he told me. Otherwise I would've slaved over making these from scratch for the rest of my life, thinking he loved them. No big deal.

No. Big. Deal.

So go ahead, try it. Be open, honest, and kind in the way you communicate. And enjoy the liberating power of your truth.